Simple Log

soooooooo recently i haven’t been able to clear my head of an observation i had. in my office i feel like there’s no recurring joke/hot spot used to put me down. not majorly but you know like light ribbing, communal humor, bringing the people together etc etc. one is picky and an alcoholic and scared of cities. one is perhaps of dubious citizenship and is always in the bathroom when you need it. one is the worst typist you’ve ever seen, and might have dyslexia. but this leaves me and the guy nobody really likes as the two who i feel like don’t have communal jokes like this. and in the case of him, i know that jokes are still being made about him, he just isn’t included in the joke. given i don’t think myself so infallible that there just isn’t anything to joke about, this leaves me to conclude that maybe the same is true of me. am i seen as too fragile, too rigid to handle jokes of my own? i don’t necessarily think its true, but at the same time i know myself enough to know that it is possible. when i think about the last two years with my suitemates, i cant think of a real recurring topic or joke along these lines for me. the closest would be one specific drunk incident that was witnessed by certainly the least socially aware of them. he would occasionally bring it up for the rest of the time we lived together. i can’t say i feel like i ever leaned into the joke or even really pretended to find it funny because i didn’t. i was and still am ashamed of what i did. but interestingly only he ever brought it up. he wasn’t the only to witness it, but he was the only one who thought it was worth continuing to bring it up. what does that say about my standing? about how others perceive me?

very quickly at work (after the first time we went to the driving range) i managed to pick up the usual “nonchalant” “doesn’t care about anything” label that i seem cursed to wear. its horrifying when i try to think about how deep this vein runs throughout my life, and try to separate how much of this developed attitude/affectation is actually me vs. how much of it was incepted by constantly having the perception expressed on me. poked and prodded about why or how i could possibly not care, not express, not feel. anyway. i have basically forever hated doing things im not good at, often wanting to give up quickly after not picking something up immediately. i honestly just wanted to drink, and didn’t feel secure enough in my position on my team or the company to percieve myself as failing in front of others. and didn’t want to mess up anyone’s expensive clubs. so after shanking someone’s clubs into the ground on the first two swings, i half-assed the third and declared my retirement, grabbed my beer. the coo commented about how i “didn’t give a fuck”. at that point it’s already too late, i can’t turn around and pretend to be painfully earnest, make dramatic overtures to prove that i give a shit. later in the week he comes to the office and relays the story, and by then it’s truly cemented. i smile and play in to it because what other choice do i have. anyway this isn’t even the main thing i wanted to get across about how i feel about my place in social settings

it is difficult to talk about without coming across narcissistic but i tend to dominate relatively small social groups in which i exist long enough to get comfortable. the respect my roommates had towards me was immense, and it was earned. when comfortable im funny and charismatic, and often among the if not the best in the room at thinking and speaking. i gain a reputation for being smart and good with words, good at talking and arguing. its true in my family, raising and being responsible for like 4 kids. i did debate and quiz bowl, science olympiad, spelling bees. somehow this combined with my general demeanor also usually leads to a reputation as responsible and mature, but also very honest and genuine. which i think is good, and out of all of this is the one i think (hope) is actually the one i work to maintain. i do feel that i don’t have much of a choce, i generally find it exhausting and demanding to perform emotion (including deception) in the way people want it to be done. it is part of what feeds the nonchalance allegations, i have long felt that i just don’t feel and express things in ways that people accept. it doesn’t come across recognizable to them. anyway. i do feel that im an honest person. recently i learned that i have indeed picked up that reputation at work. while drinking after work there was a comment along the lines of me being a straight shooter, someone who will tell you the truth to your face. and it was mentioned that it was greatly appreciated, and sometimes needed. and interestingly, the comment came from the guy who is definitely on the bottom of the totem pole, socially speaking. cynically i ask if he recognizes me as wielding more social capital than him, being worth ingratiating himself with. this isn’t my true interpretation, but a line of thought i can’t help but explore regardless. while it seems this was clearly intended as a compliment, for some reason i’ve been having a hard time digesting it that way. not that i’m taking it as an insult, more that having concrete information about how i am perceived seems to bring me nothing but anxiety. all it’s done is lead me to overanalyze, try to find some thing i’ve done or said that lead to this. in my mind it seems most likely that it is because i told him directly a week/2 ago that something he said to another coworker came across as very disrespectful. at the time he just shrugged and said “idk” which frankly pissed me off. maybe that moment has percolated within him as it has withing me. despite feeling like it was the right thing to do, and what he said genuinely was disrespectful. my interjection wasn’t entirely out of a desire to correct a moral good or stick up for a coworker. i also generally am annoyed by the guy on a daily basis. i don’t express it, but there is definitely a part of me that wants to snipe at him. the satisfaction i felt from what i did didn’t come purely from altruistic motivations, and as a result the moment has sat in my head/chest/stomach ever since, being endlessly mullled over and digested to no end. maybe some similar process has been happening to him on the other side, reflection was done and he concluded his words were rude, that i ultimately did good by stepping in. if this is the case, and this lead to his words about my honesty, i wish he could give me some of his certainty that my actions were good.

in any case i wanted to write this to try to explore whether the lack of light to medium jabs at me is due to me being in a position of respect, or in a position of weakness. am not sure i am closer to feeling certain in an answer.