Simple Log

I ask myself multiple times, every day. What am i doing making this website/blog thing? Trying to force myself to do different things I guess. Believe in the power of posting. Feel like my experiences and thoughts are worth sharing. Or at least cataloguing, trying to remember. And I really need new stuff to do besides watching youtube, playing games, and smoking weed in my free time. I’m making an effort to smoke less this weekend. I don’t have an objective for what I’m writing right now so I guess I’ll just try to write for a while. It’s making me feel strangely somber already for some reason, I don’t know why. I haven’t played Elden Ring in a long time, I’m going to be really annoyed if I don’t finish it but I can’t seem to make myself touch it. It’s become a Thing requiring Effort. And my entire post-work way of being seems to be about inputting the least amount of Effort. I haven’t been going to the gym nearly as much as I should, I’ve been eating way more sugar, and my activity level is way down. I feel like I have been making a decent effort to smoke less recently (weed) and it’s been working. But i also have been smoking a (1) cigarette every day for some reason. Can’t even explain why. Was thinking yesterday or the day before about the way I feel like this need to have some form of risk in my life throughout the day. I can’;’t go a day it seems without doing some risky shit for no real reason, ranging from the always tossing my phone, pushing the line of relationships with people, looking at people in public (really responding to their looks for the most part), jumping over stuff, the way i skate, the way i drive, the way i drive with little gas in the car, leaning as far as i can in chairs. my perspective/context on that stuff shifted to maybe understanding it a little better? idk I generally avoid ascribing so much stuff about myself to adhd (i try at least) but risk taking/danger seeking behavior is one of the big symptoms/tests for adhd and i never considered it to be a sympton that i really had/affected me but now honestly i don’t think that’s true. i suppose this hasn’t shown much insight into why i am trying to do this. I just need to do more stuff. also interesting this is the first time I’ve written anything extended on this keyboard and it is quite uncomfortable for my left thumb. feels like i don’t have enough space to put it anywhere/spread it out, so its constantly bent at the joint. or maybe by thumb is just fucked up tbh idk i feel like i have more joint/tendon pain in general than i should. but i also don’t feel that i take care of myself particularly well anyway so who knows. speaking of which i need a haircut and to shave quite badly i think and yet i seem to keep not making either of those things happen. who could have seen the continuation of one of the longest running patterns in my life lmao. i don’t know how formal/ correct i want to try to be with the writing here. i clearly care about spelling as it just bothers me in general. but i already haven’t been consistent with punctuation and capitalization throughout this, and I don’t know yet if i plan to go back and do anything about it. maybe just keep going with what feels natural line by line, sentence by sentence. why not. anywho. the past few weeks have been humbling in terms of how much i miss talking to my mom, considering how harsh i always am on people on reality tv talking about how much they miss their family and how hard it is not being able to talk to them. i guess im done for now